How to Become Famous in Five Easy Steps

To become truly famous you need to follow these simple five steps which are sure to differentiate you from all the wannabes in your field.

• Write down your motives for being famous. This is the one thing I wish I’d been told before I became famous. I got famous for all the wrong reasons – the money, the fast cars, the gifts and fan letters. But what I really wanted was to be loved. By strangers. Who I’d ideally never get to meet. For this step, writing is key – there’s a certain psycho-kinetic by-product of recording your desires in a physical medium – whether that’s by typing or scrawling on a bus ticket with a pencil. If you want to be famous so that you can be rich, that’s one thing. If you want to be famous walking down the street so that you can the best sausages from the butcher without waiting in line, that’s another.
• Identify your audience: figure out to whom you would like to be famous. Singing twins Bros once topped the UK hit parade with their catchy ditty – “When will I be famous?”, and therein lies the secret to achieving killer fame in no time at all: you probably don’t know who Bros are unless you’re a certain age and from the UK. So you might want to be recognized by your local butcher, or you might want to be recognized by anyone born between 1990 and 1993 in Japan.
• Contemplate the sacrifices necessary to achieve fame. Yes I know this doesn’t sound very Bez, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll, but before you go any further, make sure you can handle the realization of your schemes and dreams. Being famous to the masses might mean never being able to go on a beach holiday for fear of somebody taking photos of you, and never being able to go to the petrol station for a Mars Bar and 20 Marlborough Lights without your photo appearing on the front of the tabloid newspapers the next day.
• Choose your field. This could be entertainment, serial killing, gambling, competitive Hob-Nob eating – just find something that you can live with.
• Be consistent in your attention grabbing field. If it’s something else that people do, then it’s going to be hard to get noticed unless you’re either really brilliant, utterly unusual, or you just keep doing it all the time until your audience notices. Consistency pays off if you can’t wing the first two.

Ron Malibu is currently appearing under a pseudonym at the Las Vegas Palazzo.  He likes beef and pork sausages, made only from the finest cuts of hand ground meat, and Ron is available to speak at your social functions for a moderate donation to the charity of his choice.