How to Sell A 2001 Ford Crown Victoria Police Interceptor – P71

You know the only time I can really write about something, is when I have other things I need to write about. I’ve got articles due, and blogs about to hatch for my day job / persona, and yet I am so overwhelmed with real information that I’m considering selling my car just for giggles. So I just wrote a craigslist ad for my V8 Police Interceptor. I think it’s part of my descent into used-car salesman hell.

I wasn’t sure whether to use a picture of a stealth bomber or the batmobile. What would you use?

Street legal stealth fighter – $3700 (Austin)

2001 P71 black on black on black on steel. On rubber. On the road, near you. LOOK OUT! It’s behind you! Too late, now it’s gone. Which is precisely why I decided to fit a high-performance K&N cold air intake filter to it. To give it that surprisingly throaty warble as you tear away from the line, so that people know that I’ve just driven up behind them and high-tailed it away again.

Why are there no pictures of this pristine 2001 Crown Vic Police Interceptor P71? Is it because it’s so fast that no human manufactured camera could possibly capture its svelte black glossy form as it careens about the streets of Austin? Is it because there really are two body-bags in the trunk and the owner doesn’t want to be found?

No, it’s because I don’t desperately want to sell it. I rather like driving it sideways with the back end power-sliding in a pall of smoking rubber from every 4 way cross road I come to. That said, if someone did want to buy the last American made production V8 with the big bad cop-mods, then I could be persuaded to part with it.

It’s big and black and shiny, exactly the way Enchanted Rock is big, pink and fuzzy.

It’s not got the cruddy vinyl interior of the used cop car, oh no my friend. Getting into this car is like being Jonah, climbing into the velvet, yet strangely dry and acid-free stomach of a friendly whale. And get this – the car has never been used by the fuzz. It’s 100% bacon free, and you know how I know? Because I bought it from TABC. Yes, the booze and fags brigade, who aren’t known for driving at breakneck speeds chasing down rogue runaway bars. Those guys cruise like pimps wandering between street brothels, which explains the light usage and minimal 10,000 miles per year history.

This vehicle has been positively molly-coddled. Spoon fed warm gas all its life. Never been driven over 55mph. I know vicars and old ladies who would want to buy this car as it’s been so well taken care of.

Is this thing fast? You bet it is. It is the fastest car on the road. Quite simply as everyone else slows down when they see it approaching, thinking you’re the god-damn Federal Bureau of Investigations on the way to bust them. Yes, you find yourself surrounded by law-abiding and speed-limit-observing citizens everywhere you go.