Kat Von D’s Three Tricks to Being Good in Bed

Kat Von D is better in bed than my ex-wife, claimed self-styled outlaw Jesse Gregory James. What kind of name is Gregory for an outlaw? Actually, since he’s often spotted in Austin and is allegedly associated with the Hells Angels, I’ll keep my trap shut on that.

So this Greg chap is now engaged to Kat Von D, after divorcing his third wife Sandra Bullock. I’ve got a toddler and a one year old baby myself, and if Sandra Bullock was in bed with me, I would currently rate her performance on the following criteria:

1. Light sleeping – must be able to wake up when a baby cries and turn off the baby-monitor quickly as she heads to the door to tend to the disgruntled infant.
2. Quiet sleeping – must not wake poppa Ron
3. Does not like dogs in bed – they smell like dogs. Nuff said

So the J Gregory J has jumped bed-ships, and I have to positively believe that it is because Kat Von D is better in bed than his previous three wives. I mean, dating a reality TV star must be a right pain with all the cameras and invented drama. And he certainly didn’t choose her for her skills in choosing the most appropriate top level domain. I mean, is she a network service provider? I think not. Take that Kat Von D dot net. So he has to have chosen her for her sack skills. I hear that:

1. Kat Von D is pre-telecoleptic – this means that she can wake up before a baby cries
2. Kat can silence a baby at ten paces with her amazing ink. She runs into the baby’s room with a flashlight pointing out different Slutallica tats to relieve the baby of their hungry nightmares.
3. Kat sleeps in a catatonic state, not moving or making any noise allowing Jesse to sleep like the dead.

I don’t know if it’s true, but I heard it.

I was going to say that Kat allows Jesse to sleep like a baby, but on second thoughts, she allows him to sleep better than a baby. Otherwise he’d be up at 2am and be unable to get back to sleep until at least 5:18 when he finishes this post. Hang on, am I Jesse James? Is this all a dream? Am I typing with my outside fingers?