“Free Bowels and a Constipant Please Carol”
I’m a self proclaimed hypochondriac, so it should come as no surprise that I decided to take a 3 day course of antibiotics while I was in the countryside. I figured I’d be away from booze, and could drink as much fluid as necessary to help the antibiotics cure all of my imaginary ills. (The countryside being one large toilet, and allowing you the privilege of writing your name in the snow as the whim of your bladder chooses) The toilet was actually one of the ‘festival style’. The ones you get at any multi-day music festival, where the revellers build a pyramid of pooh that you can squat above, like a veritable god of waste, straddling a totem pole of dung. Which might possibly have glowsticks still lodged in it, depending on what shenanigens have been occuring in the opaque plastic phoneboxes that shield the occupier from the harsh view of lines of anxious women.
So as the days passed pleasantly down on the farm, and the course of antibiotics were taking effect. Imaginary rashes disappeared, ear infections dissolved, and all manner of ficticious itches, maladies and dibilitating viruses were vanquished. Also pleasant was writing my name on the snowy hillsides to announce my presence to the countless ‘spy satellites’ which are doubtless looking for me night and day. Although the writing loses out a bit in the night. I was pleasantly surprised to also find that in 3 days I had no need to recourse to the use of the poop pit. Although it was said in the songs of legend which described my visit, ‘that a trumpeting would eminate from his ger which resounded through the whole valley’
On returning to the stinky city, I decided to change my flight details, and in a rumage through my rucksack for the ‘plane tickets, I happened upon the contra-indications of the Lepramozide which I had been dutifully necking. Immediately I went to the side-effects panel – the breeding ground for doubt in the mind of the hypochondriac. “Dizzyness” – yes I felt a bit dizzy now I thought about it, “dry mouth” – gee, I had been kind of thirsty; the list went on.
Flipping it over, I discovered that I had been taking anti-diaarrhoea tablets. So in a flood, back came my original maladies, plus the side effects, plus a strange feeling that tomorrows train journey to Beijing may be quite eventful…
Always read the label kids.