An Interview With Harold Camping

So we’re now just nine days before the end of the world according to Family Radio’s Harold Camping. If you need a list of five things to do in Austin before the end of the world, check my previous post. If you’re not sure if the world really is going to end (at least for the non-believers) then I though a quick call to Harold Camp might help you see the light. Or at least get closer to the big people-hoover.

If you’ve seen the billboards, done your research on Harold, or watched the devout spend all their money (points are no good where they’re going) you’ve probably wanted to ask some of these questions to the 89-year-old grave-dodger who has read the bible so many times that he can tell where he’s going to be at 6pm on May 21.

Remember the first time you predicted the end of the world? Wasn’t that in 1994?

Harumph. I wasn’t sure last time, and in fact, there was a big question mark at the end of my 1994? book, as I already suspected that it was going to be in 2011. It was my agent’s idea to publish the 1994? book.

How certain are you that world is going to end on May 21 – have you heard from the big fella with the beard?

Brian Blessed has nothing to do with this. It’s all in the Bible, innit? S’all laid out like a little – what do you call it- little puzzle thingy. It’s going down. Big time. For reals.

So are you sure this time it’s going to be May 21 2011?

Without a walk in the valley of the shadow of doubt. Yes siree Bob.

So what’s going down on May 21?

Well, y’all are going down – you may go to Hell, but I’m going to Texas. That’s from the book of Davy Crockett. You’ve got to remember that the word of god is written in the bible, and god knows I’ve read the thing from front to back so many times. To break it down, there’s going to be an effing enormous earthquake. And that will be like a big gong being struck saying Hallelujah, and god’s going to stick his head through the door and say, “Here’s Judgment Day”.

What time exactly will this happen? 

You’ve got to remember the bible was written before we invented daylight savings time and such, but round about 6pm. If it’s 6pm in your part of the world, that’s when the fan will be dropped into the portaloo.

What about the International Date Line – will people on one side be able to watch people on the other side getting sucked up?

I don’t think the International Date Line passes through any landmasses does it?

What about a ship that was sailing across it – would the sailors on one side get an extra day?

Well I reckon so. But I think you’re missing the point. If it’s Judgment Day already in New Zealand, there’s not going to be any running to Papua New Guinea to get around it. It’s going down. Big stylee.

What will you be doing at 6pm that day are you having some kind of tea party?

Well at my age, you can’t drink too much tea in the evening. It makes for a difficult night. I’ll be watching TV and watching the Earth change forever.

What happens at 6:01pm if there are no earthquakes?

There’ll be earthquakes. You’ll see. You’ll feel the wrath.

What will you tell reporters on May 22 when the Rapture doesn’t take place?

I think all the reporters will be rolling in their own filth and excrement by then. It will happen. No doubts about it. There won’t be any reporters.

So have you stopped paying your electricity bills, and racked up some juicy credit card debt?

I have been busy preparing for ascension.

Are you going to heaven on May 21?

Hells yeah.

Can French people go to heaven?
It’s a party in a transcendental realm and all your friends are invited. It’s not a matter of what nationality you are, but it has to do with a personal attitude. If a French person will accept the bible they’ll be on the VIP list.

Can we chat on May 22nd?

There ain’t gonna be no May 22nd. Judgment – period – Day. The end. Finito. Sayonara. Fin.