The long awaited sequel has been in the works for a few millennia. There are just 9 days until critics at the International Date Line will see previews of Christ II – during the end of the world finale on May 21. Based on the popular Jesus franchise, the plot for this epic involves Christians being hoovered into space by some kind of denomination-filtering wet-vac and possibly spat back down onto Earth.
There is some confusion about the plot – some sources close to the studio have been leaked a story where the Christians end up in heaven, a place almost as imaginary as the International Date Line which was conceptually invented in the 16th Century after a chap named Magellan failed to sail off the end of the world. Other insiders claim that the Christians return to Earth after all the muckiness and pestilence which befalls the non-believers is done and dusted.
There are even rumors about there being two separate sequels – one in which JC opens a can of whoop-ass at Armageddon after the hoovering, and one in which he just shows up amidst the trials and tribulations of what the non-Christians call “modern life.”
Whatever the plot, and whichever ending, this reporter is looking for a big dust-up and lots of special effects as JC puts the Anti-JC’s shoulders to the mat for a three count. As poor-driving, dyslexic English heavy metallers Def Leppard put it in their 1987 album Hysteria, “Armageddon it”.