People in Austin are real friendly. Tonight I got taken out to see the Texas Rollergirls.
“What in the name of Donald Rumsfeld is that all about?” I hear you ask. In a nutshell, it is a bunch of chicks on rollerskates. It’s organised like a sport such as Nascar. The girls orbit. They have bigger right legs to help them with the anti-clockwise laps. They wear indiscrete clothing, have amusing names, such as “Princess Slayer”, and “Sedonya Face”, and get into fights. There is a strip of fairy-lights taped to the floor to demark the edge of the track. The audience sit on the floor, protected from the flying, orbiting, fighting girls by the fairylights. The protection is inadequate, which leads to booted girls wiping out large sections of the crowd and the crowd’s beer. The event is sponsored by a beer company. Four teams compete in each event. At half time a something-billy band plays. Satan’s Cheerleaders dance in red leather.
The friendly Austinites point to mullets, skullets (balding mullet-sporters) and to necks that are red. They try to explain the rules. Something about hats with stars on. All I know is that fights are good, and when a girl flies around much faster than everyone else, that is good too. Someone in the middle makes up scores, and a timer is involved. After a fight, players get spanked by raffle winners from the audience as punishment.
The whole affair is relaxed. Players mingle with the audience – not just when they fly out of the track, but also between games. Locals introduced me to a few players who were keen to pose for photos and chat about the sport. When I explained that I only had a tourist visa and could remain for just 90 days, the Austinites were sad, and offered to help. They chose me a Texas Rollergirl and said that they would get her to marry me. She is Dynah-mite from the Hustlers. They said that this would allow me to stay in the US and give me three years of fun with a psycho. I believe they genuinely would try to fix a marriage for me, such is their hospitality, but I just found out that Dinah-mite is married with children already. Maybe they’ll set me up with Buckshot Betsy instead.