For almost a century, the phatest pontiffs in the world chilled in a bad-ass crib in france, because the Italians didn’t like them very much. In 1309, his holiness the new pope showed up here and built a big palace fortress after being turfed out by some mean home-boys in Rome. Technically, Rome was wherever the pope was, but they still called the city Avignon so as not to confuse the locals, and so that they didn’t have to pay for new road signs.
According to records from the time, Pope Clement VI’s coronation needed 1023 sheep, 50,000 tarts, and 95,000 loaves of bread amongst other things. His holiness the pope was the only guy at the feast with a knife, except for the master carver, so that no-one could stab him, and because the pope liked to watch people struggle to eat sheep without the proper implements. His pope-i-ness the hole was a little unpopular and quite greedy, but is credited with inventing the themed “kebabs and tarts” nights that are still popular in northern England.
Several decades later, there was a great schism in the catholic church. It was a bit like a split or a rift, but the word “schism” made it sound less like a soap opera, and more like a pope opera because it is harder to spell. Later still, the french invented a new post, and voted in some guy to become the “anti-pope”. Disappointingly, this bloke was not a pope-killer who drank lots, smoked big reefers and tried to subvert the minds of innocent teenagers.
The catholic church now had two heads, two places to have matches, and the fans were divided. Some liked the original Chianti quoffing gangsta from Roman Rome, and some followed the mac daddy with the pointiest hat from Avignon. During the schism, and ensuing confusion, the money from the gates was down, so the church decided to get rid of one of its heads. They were going to make the pope and the anti-pope duke it out on Pay per View, but neither party wanted to fight in their away ground, so the church never fixed a venue. The church decided that since they were the biggest landowner in the world, they didn’t need the cash from Pay per View anyway, so they just got rid of the anti-pope. They reunited the fans, and they saved money by not having to change all of their books to say anti-pope instead of pope.
The catholic church still exists today, and people still worship the pope, who after all, used to play football in Poland. But then again hasn’t every European played football in Poland?