Don’t bother to learn Italian. Most resorts resemble the ‘Baden-Baden Wurst and Schnitzel Fanciers Club’, and German is the language of the tourists as they pull up in their Mercedes
All bread is stale. An Italian will tell you that there are many local breads, but don’t get your hopes up. This basically means that you are free to choose your stale bread in a variety of shapes
All local non-wine drinks are foul. Resist the temptation to order one of the colourful aperitifs, digestifs and emetics on every menu, and ignore your companion’s advice about things that taste nice. Short cut the whole scene by having a Campari and assume that all other drinks that aren’t wine or beer will taste as horrible as Campari, but perhaps be a different colour
When out strolling on a weekday evening where Italians are present (Sirmione seems to have slightly more Italians than Germans on a Sunday), make sure that you look everybody up and down to check for surgery and clothing choice. Just to fit in
You can buy a bottle of alcohol in some shops – look out for it. When I say alcohol, I mean 95% by volume alcohol. Remember that there may technically be stronger drinks in the desert, but since ethanol is deliquescent, any such drinks would absorb water from the air to remain at most 96% by volume alcohol. Also remember that drinking pure alcohol in the desert is a recipe for disaster, especially if you smoke, or like blowing up oil pipelines, or your hair is on fire
You will need to wear a bathing cap in your resort swimming pool. This is apparently because getting your hair in the bleachy water will infect everyone with bubonic plague, whereas all other bodily orifice exposure and expulsion is quite alright. And the caps don’t even keep your hair dry. Swim in the lake instead – it is the cleanest in Europe – unless you really want to see leathery obese Germans in speedos taking post-pool showers
You can’t buy tins of Hienz spaghetti in tomato sauce, let alone Spaghetti Hoops, so take your own
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