A colleague of mine can hide liquid in his throat very quickly. I can’t tell where it goes. It might go into his stomach. I watch as he challenges other colleagues to drinking races. He has been seen to be a very competitive person. This is why he allows himself to be challenged to speed liquid-hiding competitions. He knows he will win.
I’ve only seen him do this with drinks in pubs, UK pubs at that. The standard measure of beer in UK pubs is about a pint, give or take head. Nine out of ten cat owners who expressed a preference said they preferred to give head in pubs. A pint is just over half a litre. The litre is a French invention. I don’t own a cat.
I can’t really tell if I’m competitive. I do wish to hide a pint of beer in my body in less time than my colleague. This involves training, coaching and practice. I have given up lager for lent. Experts agree that it is easier to drink flat beers faster than fizzy beers such as lager. I try to avoid hiding flat beers in my body. They taste horrible. Come to think of it, lager tastes horrible too. Lager shandy is pleasant, but fizzier still. I wish to be able to hide a pint of bitter in my body in under three seconds.
Water and flavoured flat drinks have been my test bed. Five seconds seems to be my current physical limit for hiding a pint. I knew that five seconds was the limit when I tried to do it in four seconds. Water started to come out of my nose. I must, I must, I must improve my thirst.
I haven’t managed to find any books on beer hiding, or any “how-to” articles on the interweb. Does anyone have any? Do I have to learn how to suppress my gag reflex and just pour liquid directly into my gut? I have only two months to achieve three second pint hiding – please help.