I started the day perusing the shelves of Harbor Freight for something black long and thick. Unlike so many unfortunate blonde actresses starring in an internet near you, I left with a spring in my stride and a smile on my face. Nothing was going to stop me and my breaker bar, extension set and impact driver sockets. Many thanks to Captain Anonymous for the tips.
I returned to the theatre of war with a confident swagger, dropping the heavy tools of battle on the concrete in front of the Civic. A pincer movement on the crankshaft pulley bolt left it in no doubt that it was about to be beaten.
Metal this thick shouldn’t bend this much, I thought to myself before the thread relinquished its grip. The first victory for the new 17mm socket was crushing and complete. The Civic’s morale was obliterated. Mine soared. As I moonwalked past the front left axle, I reached for the 14mm socket, and some more surgical strikes left the remaining confused defences in ruins. The camshaft pulley bolt was the nextg to fall, and my opponent lay quite literally at my feet.
I decided to pistol whip it a bit, just to give it something to remember me by. I changed the camshaft front seal, the water pump, flushed the radiator, changed spark plugs, replaced the timing and alternator belts. So what if I couldn’t find out where the engine block coolant drain plug was? I was master, commander and the one and only dominator.
Never having changed a timing belt before, the rebuilding of the Civic was a bit of a gamble. There were isolated scuffles here and there, but democracy was installed. I feared that there were still splinter cells lying in wait to spring traps on me. It seemed too easy, even though I was completing the intervention in the dark. As the last of the bolts were put into place, the Civic had two ways to vote; to either spit out valves and pistons, or to purr back to life and resume business as usual. The pollsters had it at a 75% chance of falling in favour of the latter.
The moment of truth came when I turned the key. Shaft me sideways with a breaker bar, it seems to have worked. I went for a little drive. Any seeping fluids were disguised by the night. I won. Neighbouring vehicles are quaking in their tires, knowing that I plan to spread my special brand of democracy to them next.