A distraught man called up interpol in the Spanish tourist town of Torremolinos at 6pm today. He wanted to report his genitals as missing. We have a transcript of the conversation below:
Interpol operator: “Could you tell us the details of the alleged theft please?”
Caller: “I was in the shower, and I looked down to see my old chap, you know for reassurance. We’re very close normally, but I hadn’t been giving him the attention he deserves of late. Well I dropped the soap faster than a punk-assed bitch in the prison shower when I couldn’t see him staring back at me. I think someone must have stolen him in the night.”
Interpol: “Don’t you have to urinate sir? Surely you must have noticed that your ‘old chap’ wasn’t there during urination since last night?”
Caller: “Well I’d been near the pool most of the day. You know how it is when the pool is closer than the toilet, and there’s a heap of screaming Scottish kids floating about who could do with a mouthful of chlorinated piss?”
Interpol: “Moving on sir, have you checked for any signs of a struggle at the scene of your ‘old chap’?”
Caller: “Hang on…”
[Rustling and noise on the phone line]
Caller: “Bloody hell! My old chap’s back! Ah. I see. He’s hiding underneath this lump of flesh. That must be my belly. It wasn’t there before. It must be this all you can eat cack at the hotel. Well that’s a relief.”
[click]