I was lucky enough to get a room in the centre of the historic scottish town of Fort William for a few nights last week. I was tired after running up and down slopes, and needed some rest and recuperation. ‘Historic Fort William’, as any mediocre guide book will tell you, is a popular destination for tourists wanting to explore some of the world’s finest hiking country.
And what comes with tourists to Scotland? Something worse than SARS or stretchy-waistbands on over-filled jeans. Bagpipes. Those whining bags of shite. And the instruments they carry. While trying to get a spot of kip in Fort William, the town centre was invaded by a legion of noisy, pasty-faced miserable kids in their tartan, banging drums and blowing bagpipes into a horrific submission as they marched up and down the pedestrian zone. Situated directly below my window. Sleep deprivation and ear-splitting pipe music are not comfortable bedfellows.
Everywhere you turn in the scottish towns I’ve visited, there’s some giffer puffing away on a tartan octopus, doing a medley of irritating baby-wail tunes. Stop it. It’s horrid. And tourists, please stop asking them to pose for photos, and stop giving them money – you’ll only encourage them. Have you never read about all of the wild bears in North American parks who lose the ability to fend for themselves while living on sugary handouts from passing tourists? The park rangers have to shoot them to stop them attacking cars with twinkies in them. The same will happen to these kilt-wearing giffers if you keep giving them money – someone will have to shoot them. And the kids.