Flying from Gatwick after a particularly toxic weekend in London, I happened upon a detox diet article in the inflight magazine. Between snoozes with my head pressed against the window, drooling all over my chin, I absorbed a bit of information about the seven day regime. It was designed to overcome many of the problems of overindulgence typical in a modern western lifestyle – toxins, hectic, clogging, and retention were words employed to paint a picture of ill-health. In my semi-conscious state, I dreamt of the toxins going crazy in my lymphatic system, riding my body like it was some kind of theme park for undesirable chemicals. There were the shouting chemicals that they add to Stella pushing rowdily to the front of the queue to the thoracic duct. Nicotine was lurking in the fat cells in my spleen. I was toxic and I needed cleansing.
My lust for life and overindulgence meant that I pooh-poohed the idea of taking seven days to detox – as a Londoner, I could do it in a single day. I couldn´t really remember the details of the article, so I decided not to drink booze all day, and to only ingest water and carrots. Unfortunately, I didn´t notice anything about taking it easy on the detox day, so ended up marching about in the blazing sun, fishing, being second-in-command in sandcastle building activities and generally running around like an idiot. Fuelled by a grand total of one and a half carrots, and a gallon of water.
I spent most of the day feeling very peculiar. When not active, I lapsed into delirium and a semi-conscious state. It may have been psychosomatic, but I swear I was feeling drunk, high, and generally off my face. The phrase ´light-headed´ could have been invented specifically for the feeling I experienced, as I saw patterns in front of my eyes. I woke up trying to climb into the wardrobe in my room. I hallucinated. I had a brain-splitting headache. I fantasized about food. Violent moodswings and confusion featured heavily. I drifted around the supermarket with no feeling in my legs, staring wide-eyed at the foodstuffs. In short, I was getting more value for money from the chemicals that were already in my body.
I heartily recommend a day of carrot and water to anyone feeling toxic. If for nothing else, then for the taste of the chilled cervezas on the beach the morning after. Turning your bowels into a carrot juice producing factory is just an unfortunate side effect.