In a rowing race between two crews evenly matched in their dramatic lack of ability, Oxford’s team prevailed over that of Cambridge, in yesterday’s annual battle. Viewing the race from the banks of the Thames is billed variously as “Splendid, what ho!”, “Full of toffs”, and “A good opportunity to strew drinking detritus on a riverbank.” I quite enjoyed myself at the event I must say, though I didn’t manage to see any boats, despite forming a human pyramid with two chums. I didn’t even find out who won until this morning. But what my gang of revellers, (which peaked at three in number, but was punching far above its weight) managed to achieve included:
- winning several teddy bears in a skittle competition
- torturing a teddy bear
- decapitating a teddy bear
- burning a teddy bear
- burning everything that wasn’t nailed down until an angry man came and shouted at us
- throwing a teddy bear upstream in the river, and then dramatically rescuing it
- kicking many things from atop a wall into the water
- kicking a wall by mistake
- mixing Pimms, cider and bitter inside a human
Not everything was successful though. I personally failed to push over a portable toilet that some f*cker was inside after he tried to push the one I was in. I failed to get past the bouncers at a riverside pub, being unable to walk, focus or communicate intelligently. But I did succeed in getting home and passing out by about 8pm, though I have no idea how, or what the plant pots are doing strewn all over the floor of my flat. Interesting.