Now today children, we are going to look at functional alcoholism. Can anyone tell me what that means? Anybody? No? Well, functional alcoholism is a special gift that some people have. It means that they like to drink beers, wines and spirits, but can still carry on with their everyday duties, unlike the people who drink beers, wines and spirits and spend their time reeling from pub to pub fighting and shouting. Now, does anyone know anyone who fits the former description children?
Yes? Your uncle Ron you say? Can you give me an example of one of his everyday duties he has done while under the influence of the devils own brew? Painting the hall of his house? Really – and did the alcohol impair his painting skills? Ah, he said that he didn’t think so at the time did he. And what do you think of your uncle Ron’s painting? He painted six foot phalluses on the walls, and pictures of the sun and swear words? Actually the plural of phallus is phalli. And do you think painting six foot phalli on his walls is a good thing for your uncle Ron to do while necking cider? You do, do you? Well, I suppose it makes a difference from the usual magnolia, doesn’t it class.