I have crept into the staff room on the long house in Balak. The doors are boarded up, but they could come in through the windows or turn off the generator at any time, so I must be brief.
If I was coming on a Greenforce expedition to Balak directly from England, this is what I’d do:
1. Drink as much as possible before you leave England, put on as much weight as you can (if you are a boy)
2. Buy a bit of 100% deet in England. There’s loads of bugs and things here which are resistant to everything, but you’ll be able to trade deet in for things that you need from gullible people who have them. Imagine being in prison as a non smoker – you still need currency to get things from other prisoners, and you decide whether you want it to be fags or your buttocks.
3. Buy a bit of dive kit but only the minimum in England. My wetsuit is made in Thailand. Someone imported it into London. I bought it in London. I took it 15,000 miles to Balak. Via Thailand. It’s big.
4. Buy glitter in England.
5. Get to Kota Kinabalu completely underprepared. Buy everything you need there. Cheaply. In all of the spare time you have.
6. In KK, buy marmite, chewing gum, chocolate (yes I know it melts, but it still tastes nice), as much filthy booze as you can reasonably carry (6-10 bottles of spirits would not be considered too excessive), and several crates of lager (they’re not that heavy, and you’ll miss it), and you wont get many chances to buy any more. Remember, even if you are tee-total, you can use them as currency. Actually, if you’re tee-total, I would consider getting some other kind of serious addiction for Saturday nights, such as fighting yourselves, or gambling on cock fights. (There are only hens on the islands, so consider bringing your own roosters and razor blades if you follow the latter option)
7. Bring a Lilo from somewhere. Especially if you are lazy and like lying about in the jellyfish infested sea in the sun. The more adventurous of you will clearly be using your axe to hew down and deforest half of the island to build rafts (but don’t expect to be given any string or rope to do this with – resources are scarce). This will afford the adventurous the opportunity to laze in the sun deep in the sea, as opposed to in the shallows.
8. Bring some string. If you are adventurous.
9. Bring a hammock from somewhere. A big one. Big enough for four people. Not only will everyone be jealous of your kingsize four poster string bed (when they put up their own mangy string vest hammocks), but you will be able to lure said people into said hammock. See point 6 about copious amounts of booze.
10. Buy a video camera in duty free. Hours of embarrasment and fun.
11. Realise you have forgotten to bring any music. Buy cheap pirate CDs in KK. Nothing you really like, as you’ll get sick of it. Maybe a few 80s/90s/00s hit compilations for miming and thrashing about to. See point 6 about copious amounts of booze.
12. Buy speedos in KK. Wear them always. With pride. Add a bikini top if you are a (prudish) girl.
13. The hostel you stay at in KK is in the centre of the red light district and drug slum. Buy a Phillipino wife to do your chores on the island. Buy seeds to grow narcotic plants on the island. A UV kit and greenhouses may be a bit conspicuous, so try to get plants that are known to grow locally.
14. The lobsters are coming, they’re battering the door down. I have to go. Remember, Charlie don’t surf.