My friend Joe grew up in Essex. He loves to race fast cars up and down the Braintree bypass with no licence plates to avoid speeding fines. Joe’s Essex mentality is great – it involves as little work and sleep as possible. Joe started university a few months ago. I visited him a few nights ago since he lives near an airport I had to go to. I asked him how university was going for an Essex man.
“It’s alright. They expect you to do all this work though.”
“You have to turn up and do stuff?”
“Well, not really. A few people owe me favours. They sign into lectures for me.”
“Nice. And the coursework?”
“Yeah, well I get other people to do that. Already people owe me favours. They love to help out when coursework needs to be handed in.”
“Really? What, they don’t mind you copying?”
“Well sometimes they give me stuff to copy and it’s too bad. Sometimes they just do the work for me. One time I just went into someone’s room and stole his work.”
“Nice. How come so many people owe you favours?”
“Well, I sort people out with Viagara. They’re only eighteen years old, but they think they need Viagara. So I sort them out. It’s not even illegal.”
I was amazed. We went out, got into a bit of trouble. It was one pound a pint night, so I bought a bunch of students a round of drinks. Joe groaned and told me this was bad etiquette. As he predicted, all of them then went home to avoid having to return a round of drinks. As consciousness returned the next morning, and the strange reckoning process of drinks price versus money spent progressed, I prepared to head off. Joe asked me if I could do a few Excel spreadsheets for him for his coursework. Sure, I said, as I headed off to the airport with a packet of Viagara. I’m sure Joe will do just fine at university.