Day four of my mythical mastercleanse and I won’t bore you with the gritty details of rollercoaster emotions and vulnerability and joy. All I’ll do is give you a few tips on the famous Salt Water Flush, that one cordially partakes of in lieu of weetabix and fried eggs.
There are three things ye should know about drinking a litre of salted water on an empty stomach
- Unless there’s something very wrong with you and you think that fresh sea is savory and a perfect antidote to sweet, you’ll want to barf. Throw-up. Technicolor yawn. Pray to the porcelain gods. Unless, the water is hot. Seriously. Cold salt water I can sip slowly and gag all the way through a half pint. Hot salt water? It’s the closest thing to ambrosia you get on a master cleanse. Chug-a-sodium-chloride-lug.
- I smell bad. With my nose pinched shut. And apparently if you pinch your nose shut, not only do you smell bad, you don’t taste so good either. Which helps when you have to throw back a few pints of the Dead Sea. So hold your nose as you chug. You’ll barf less.
- Stay close to the restroom. If you have a communal restroom make sure you tell everyone that you’ve got dibs on it. Somewhere between 20 and 60 mins after you’ve successfully stomached the last of your liquid breakfast you’ll be unstomaching it.
If you want to read more about five mastercleanse myths check out this old post, and I promise that you’re regularly scheduled diatribe will resume shortly.Until then, here’s a picture I took at the Dining Street Cafe at Heathrow Airport of the biggest breakfast I could buy.
They say you’re supposed to eat light for transatlantic flights, but they don’t count on the fact that you can buy as many $6 Heinekens as you like during the 8 hour flight to make the immigration process more entertaining.
I’ve got to the bottom of this blurb now, and I’m thinking of food. I really like a full-English (breakfasts not coronaries) and that reminds me that I haven’t dined at the cafe of the same name in Austin. Yet. When I go there I wager I won’t be thinking of salt water.