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Marine Conservation (fish not army grunts)

3. Did doing a marine conservation project change your life? Yes. I’d never have met the people I lived with otherwise. Without their help, we could not have hatched the plan for our new business. It’s quite simple, and uses some kind of kharma bargaining – we did some good for fish and animals and what not, so to make it even we have to go and obliterate some.

Picture the scene: Calm sea, nice boat full of sakied-up rich Japanese men, and wealthy Texans. Blue skies, and the smell of blood fill the air. The gong sounds, and beautiful women in bikins go to rouse the guests. Each is presented with a rocket launcher. A second gong sounds and the curtains fall off the barge that is being towed behind the boat. The first event is starting, and the cows on the raft are suddenly aware that something is wrong.

Whoosh. Moo. Bang. Splat. The rockets are away, some of the hitting their mark as the horns and hooves fly. But the cows are doing well today – Mr. Nagamashi is well off the mark, and his rocket fizzles into the sea. No whale bazooka today Mr Nagamashi, that’s tomorrow. Billy-Joe Jim-Bob has also spared his cows, as his aim is poor. And now the bidding war for The Ultimate Button starts, between these two heavyweights. The price is rising, and Mr Nagamashi is about to bow out of the bidding, when the shark fins appear. The savage great-whites that follow the chum barge are in a feeding frenzy. Moo. Splash. Chop. The waters are boiling with bovine blood and sharks choppers.

Mr Nagamashi is spurred on by the sight, and doubles his bid – one hundred and fifty thousand US Dollars gets him the Ultimate Button. A twinkle in his eyes, a mop of his brow by one of the blood boat nymphettes, and he clinches the detonator. Click, Boom, Splat, Splash. The barge erupts in flame and cow shrapnel, and the sharks peak in ferocity, feeding on burger meat and the remains of sharks that were too close to the floating barge bomb when Mr Nagamashi hit the button.

The guests retire for more debauchery, to congratulate themselves, and to be congratulated by the boat fluffers. They need to rest for tomorrow is the ultimate underwater fighting contest. Which pits salt-water crocs, sharks, cheetahs in scuba gear and all comers from the animal kingdom in a large perspex tanks. Gentlemen, place your bets please.

Fishing boat from Kudat

Rocket Launcher from Cambodia

Animal livestock from New Zealand / China

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